The start of a new school year is an exciting time but for many kids and teenagers, it can also be a source of stress. Anxiety brought on by new beginnings and transitions is normal. Because kids typically thrive on routine and structure, it may take them a while to get comfortable.
You may start to see symptoms of back-to-school anxiety toward the end of summer appear in the form of stomachaches, aggression, defiance, regression in behavior or an increase in sibling rivalry. Anxiety as the new school year approaches is often the explanation behind a change in behavior.
“Feeling anxious, especially when starting a new school year or having to take a test or play a game or perform in a concert or show, is normal,” says Muhammad Zeshan, MD, an infant, child and adult psychiatrist and clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at Rutgers New Jersey Medical School. “So don’t panic if your child complains of a headache or nervousness. Sometimes, these physical symptoms are your child’s way of trying to tell you something. Is the headache your child’s way of saying that they’re frustrated? Is the nervousness your child saying, ‘I don’t like this thing?’”
How do you know when anxiety is normal and when it’s a cause for concern? What can you do to help your kids if they’re feeling anxious about the start of school? Here’s what experts recommend to support your kids in September and throughout the year:
KEEP YOUR OWN ANXIETY IN CHECK
When it comes to anxiety, the number one thing parents should do is be aware of their own feelings. “Children take cues from their parents, so being aware of one’s own feelings and modeling comfort and confidence will help,” says Ariel Heller, a psychiatrist practicing at Holy Name Medical Center in Teaneck. “Parents should take time out to talk to their children about the transition back to school. Ideally, this conversation should occur at a time when everyone is calm and not when the children are upset or getting ready for school.”
Start by asking your child what they like most about school and whether there’s anything in particular that’s worrying them about going back. Asking questions like this will help acknowledge your child’s concerns, support them and remind them of what’s great about going back to school, like learning new things and seeing their friends.
IDENTIFY YOUR CHILD’S ANXIETY
Asking questions will also help you figure out your child’s triggers. These are a few of the things that could be making your child anxious, according to Miriam (Manela) Frankel, a mental health occupational therapist and founder of childrenbloom. com and The Thrive Group in Passaic and Brooklyn, NY:
Fear of the unknown, such as a new class, teacher or material
Worry about not doing well, particularly for a child who has not done well in the past or who has struggled with grasping new material
Previous negative experiences with teachers, therapists or other adults
If your child is clingy then their anxiety may be attachment-based and they may worry about leaving you all day.
Social anxiety can range from worrying about having a conversation and fitting in with a group to fear of bullying or being left out. If a child has been bullied in the past it can make them anxious about returning to a big class where they need to assert themselves in a group. Here’s what else you can do to help ease your child’s anxiety:
Talk about the upcoming school year. “Avoidance of the topic will only serve to amplify fears and anxiety your child may be having,” says Joseph Galasso, PsyD, chief executive officer and clinical psychologist at Baker Street Behavioral Health, which has locations throughout NJ. “If you keep the topic in conversation throughout the summer, the return to school may not seem so abrupt.”
Frankel suggests beginning the conversation by saying: What are you looking forward to about this school year? “If they express nervousness or anxiety, let them know that some anxiety is normal—nearly everyone feels it,” she says.
Do a walk-through of the school. “Together, find your child’s classroom or classrooms, take pictures on your cell phone, draw maps, and write some simple directions,” Frankel says. “If their locker has been assigned, find it and try locking and unlocking it a few times. One visit may not be enough for fearful children so see if you can schedule a few visits. If possible, for younger children, drive, ride or walk the route to school so your child can become very familiar with the trip.”
Normalize your child’s feelings by sharing times when you might have felt or experienced the same thing. “Express to them that you were able to get through the situation even though it caused fear or anxiety,” Galasso says.
Schedule a school-supply shopping trip and allow your child to pick the backpack, notebooks, shoes and other things they like. “Most children want to fit in, so if the item isn’t harmful or budget-busting, get them the clothing and supplies that help them feel more confident,” says Frankel. “This isn’t necessarily the time to teach your child that it’s the inside of a person that counts—that important lesson must be taught over time, and is most effective when taught by example.”
If possible, meet the principal and teacher before school begins. “Orientation day might feel too hectic for some students. See if you can set up a brief, five-minute meeting with just you, your child, and their teacher and principal,” Frankel says.
WHEN ANXIETY LINGERS INTO THE SCHOOL YEAR
What should you do if your child’s anxiety isn’t going away? Zeshan says there’s a lot parents can do to be a reassuring presence when their kids are anxious. First, remind yourself to stay calm. Second, remember to validate what your child is feeling. “Don’t go to the solution,” Zeshan says. “Instead, validate their feelings by saying, ‘You seem anxious,’ ‘You seem nervous,’ ‘You seem down,’ ‘You seem frustrated,’ ‘You seem disappointed.’” Third, find out what’s wrong by asking them what happened and to tell you more and then reflect together. Here’s what else Zeshan recommends:
Remind yourself you’re a good parent. It’s important to relax, pause and remember you’re doing your best. “Having a positive mindset will help you focus on how you can best support your child rather than feeling guilty about what you could or should have done,” Zeshan says.
Help your kids feel a sense of autonomy. Too often, we make all the decisions for our kids about how they’ll spend their time. As a result, they don’t feel empowered and may feel that “they don’t know anything and parents know everything and they have to do whatever they’re told.” That’s why it’s so important to let them pick some of their activities, he adds.
Don’t lead with bad news. Don’t begin a conversation with how poorly they did academically or otherwise. “Instead, start with how you would like them to do academically and ask them how can we achieve that goal together as a family,” he says.
Meet them where they are. Remind yourself and your kids that feeling anxious, nervous, sad, down, frustrated or disappointed are all normal feelings. “Many times as a parent, we are unconsciously telling our kids that feeling happy or successful is a normal feeling, and feeling sad or down are not,” Zeshan says. “If they say, ‘I’m feeling mad or upset,’ it’s important to validate their feelings and come up with a plan.”
WHEN TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP
When seeking professional help, Zeshan cautions parents not to jump to a diagnosis. Instead of focusing on what’s wrong with your child, focus on why they’re feeling the way they are. “Whenever you see day-to-day functioning is impaired, go to someone who’s not only interested in the symptom but also interested in your child’s whole story and making sense out of that story,” he says.
If your child is diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, be sure to seek out support that comes with that diagnosis, such as a 504 or IEP to help deal with school-based anxiety, he says.
Finding a therapist can be challenging, especially given how busy practices are. A good place to start, Zeshan says, is on psychologytoday.com, which will give you a list of therapists based on your zip code, insurance and what kind of therapy you’re looking for. Regardless of whether or not your child gets professional help, remember listening without overreacting and being present with your child both go a long way. Says Zeshan: “Let them talk and you’ll be surprised that even though you don’t have a solution, your child will feel more connected, calm and grounded.”
