Remember how cool you thought your parents were when you were a teen? Um, we didn’t think so. It’s no different nowadays, except you’re the parent. It may seem like your teen wants nothing to do with you now, but that’s not exactly the case. “Moodiness and a desire to separate from you are a healthy part of the teen years,” says Charlotte Markey, PhD, professor of psychology at Rutgers University-Camden and author of Adultish: The Body Image Book for Life. “That’s their job as teens. They need to learn to connect outside their family.”
That doesn’t mean they don’t still need you, but how they need you probably looks different from when they were kids. And perceptions can differ between kids and parents: One recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 58.5 percent of teens felt they always or usually received the social and emotional support they needed, while parents thought the number was much higher.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean parents are out of touch. “It’s just that teens may have a different view of what it feels like to be supported,” says Kelsey Jones, PsyD, psychologist at Cooper University Health Care. “Each child needs and wants support in different ways, and that can be difficult for parents to navigate.” The good news is that it’s not impossible to bond with your teens. Try these tips, even when your kid is eye-rolling or letting you know “I know” (trust us: this, too, shall pass):
GO EASY ON YOURSELF
“You’ve never parented this child at this stage,” says Jones. “Give yourself some grace. Sometimes we have to figure out how to parent through trial and error. And what one child in the family needs may be different from what other kids in the family need.”
HAVE A CASUAL CONVO
Teens may shut down if you say you’re going to have a “talk,” so make it more spontaneous, like commenting on something you just saw in a movie. The car can be a good place, too, because there’s no eye contact and kids know it’s going to end soon so it’s not going to become a lecture, says Markey. Texting is another great way to communicate, especially if you sometimes have a hard time saying what you want in person.
LET THEM TAKE THE LEAD
It’s tough not to want to jump in and fix things for kids if they come to you with a problem. But when teens are sharing with you, ask, “Do you want me to listen, or do you want me to problem-solve?” You want kids to learn to advocate for themselves, and sometimes they just want to know you’re listening, says Markey.
FIND INDIVIDUAL TIME FOR EACH KID
Your kid needs unstructured downtime with you—preferably alone if you have other kids. It doesn’t have to be a huge commitment. “It can be five to ten minutes a day,” says Jones. With little kids, it can be a story before bed or playing with dolls for a few minutes. With older kids, let them share a social media post or video they like.
LEARN ABOUT THEIR INTERESTS
When commuting, let them play their favorite music or ask what game you’ve heard them playing recently and have them show you how to play it. Or have them teach you how to make a TikTok video. “Sometimes we can connect better by doing an activity together, rather than asking a lot of questions and making it feel like an interrogation,” says Jones.
MAKE FAMILY FUN A PRIORITY
Family game night, making indoor s’mores or movie night are all important rituals that can be special to your family. “We do a Wawa run in my family,” says Markey. “Once in a while, I tell everybody to get in the car, and we head there. It’s cheap, easy and fun.”
KNOW WHEN TO GET HELP
You know your teen best, so if anything feels “off,” seek help. Signs include grades that begin slipping, changes in eating habits, trouble sleeping, refusing to do things they once enjoyed, or hiding out from the rest of the family, says Markey. But keep teens involved in the process, by saying something like, “‘These are some things I’m noticing, and this is what makes me concerned, so you may want to talk to someone who is not me,’” says Jones.
How to Find Affordable Therapy
There’s been a strain on mental health services the past few years, but there are still places you can find affordable care. For starters, reach out to your insurance company. You also should consider telehealth services. “It can reduce the barrier of access because you don’t have to drive a distance,” says Jones. “Many teens actually prefer telehealth, too, because they’re used to using technology to communicate.”
Here are some resources to start your search:
• Your pediatrician’s office. They often are familiar with local providers who work well with teens.
• Employee Assistance Programs (EAP). Many large companies and the military have programs to connect you with providers; many also offer a certain number of free sessions.
• Perform Care of New Jersey offers mental health support for any child within the state of New Jersey, regardless of insurance status. They provide support up to age 21.
• Community Mental Health Centers and Hospital Clinics. If you have Medicaid or an Affordable Care Act plan, you may not be able to see a provider in private practice. But check with hospital clinics, which may take all types of insurance.
• Large healthcare practices such as Bridge to Balance and The Center for Emotional Health, both with various locations throughout NJ, have multiple providers, and also provide telehealth services.
• Consider online therapy platforms such as BetterHelp or Talkspace, which tend to offer lower rates and financial assistance.
—Arricca Elin SanSone is a New York-based health and lifestyle writer.
