As parents, we often treat “busyness” as a badge of honor—proof that we’re productive, successful and prioritize enriching our kids. We want them to have opportunities we might not have enjoyed ourselves. But in trying to give them a wealth of options, we actually may be doing more harm than good.
Instead of being happy and engaged, overscheduled kids can wind up feeling overwhelmed, anxious and wiped out, says Paramus-based psychotherapist Lauren Bradley. “They may complain of stomach aches or headaches, or seem withdrawn or less interested in things they used to enjoy,” she says.
Other signs, according to experts, include moodiness, exhaustion, apathy, feelings of inadequacy, and “slacker” guilt that they’re not doing enough; in extreme situations it can present as tantrums or aggression.
WHY DOWNTIME MATTERS
Kids’ minds and bodies need downtime to recharge. Research from organizations like the National Institutes of Health and World Health Organization suggest that free time—structured and unstructured—offers numerous physical, mental, emotional and cognitive development benefits.
“It’s vital for a child’s mental health that they learn how to relax, plan out and organize their own time and self-regulate. Some free time is important to enhance family connections and reduce burnout,” says Tracey Waldman, PhD, clinical director of Paramus-based Family Psychiatry and Therapy.
So next time you hear “I’m bored,” keep in mind that a little boredom is actually healthy for kids. Without constant stimulation, they’re likelier to tap into their imaginations, coming up with creative ways to entertain themselves.
Additionally, studies indicate that downtime lets kids:
- hone their self-reliance, self-confidence and independence.
- explore new interests and abilities without fear of failure or judgment.
- process and better retain what they learn in school and during extracurricular activities.
- develop problem-solving and decision-making skills.
- work on “soft” skills like communication, socialization and conflict resolution.
HOW TO BUILD DOWNTIME INTO KIDS’ ROUTINES
Tune in to your child’s cues. Sometimes parents fill their kids’ schedules with activities they enjoy themselves. But your love of tennis might not be shared by your child. To ensure their downtime is spent in ways that are manageable and fun for them, talk to them about what they really want—and don’t want—to do, Dr. Waldman advises. Respecting their preferences will help create space for the low-key, unscheduled moments your child needs for rest and creative exploration.
Know your child’s limits—and yours. Every child is different, and their threshold for how much free time they need will be too, notes clinical psychologist Joseph Galasso, PsyD, of Franklin Lakes-based Baker Street Behavioral Health. Some kids are outgoing and thrive on play and social time; others, more socially anxious, require more quiet or active regulation. Pay attention to how much downtime your child can comfortably handle, and step in with support when needed.
Parents also face challenges. Feeling like the scheduler-in-chief by juggling work, packed schedules, and driving to and from kids’ activities can be exhausting, and it’s natural to want a breather of your own. Rather than constantly struggling to fit kids into their adults’ routines, Dr. Galasso suggests parents occasionally join their children’s playtime as a way for the entire family to de-stress and connect.
Find a healthy balance. On one hand, loading your kids’ schedules with activities can leave them—and you—feeling burned out. On the flip side, kids also need chances to grow through experiences like playing sports, participating in the arts or volunteering. These activities help them learn empathy, build friendships and understand the value of giving back. As Joanne Thomas, a retired Bergenfield teacher, puts it: “While it’s important not to over-structure your child’s time, being engaged and active is great for nurturing well-rounded kids.” The key is in finding that sweet spot: enough activity to challenge and inspire your child, but not so much that they lose their spark.
Offer age-appropriate support. Some guidance makes younger kids feel safe and secure while still fostering independence. Teens demand more freedom, but even if they don’t admit it, they also appreciate knowing they have parental backup. Bradley elaborates: “Giving teens freedom is really important, but checking in periodically—without hovering— lets them explore while also feeling supported and connected. They’re under a lot of pressure from school, sports and social media, and sometimes just need permission to slow down without feeling like they’re ‘falling behind.’”
Establish realistic play rules. Jerusha Hull, LCSW/PMH-C, a maternal mental health specialist at Manasquan-based Virtue Counseling, encourages parents to ask themselves if they’re setting reasonable expectations and whether their household rules encourage or limit their child’s play. “Creative playtime often comes with some messiness, so identifying what that looks like in your home benefits everyone. For example, instead of ‘no paint in the house,’ try ‘you can paint at the kitchen table,’” she explains.
Be proactive. Encourage kids to find something to do, but stay ahead of the game by developing a list of activities they may enjoy, says Teresa Shaw, a retired teacher from Jefferson.
Here are some more tips to promote downtime:
- Block off weekly “nothing planned” time on the family calendar.
- Designate a quiet, screen-free zone for reading, doodling or just chilling.
- Have plenty of indoor and outdoor play “tools” available (a creativity box of crafting materials, painting and drawing supplies, a sandbox, games, etc.).
- Let your child choose one extracurricular to pause if they’re feeling overwhelmed.
- Emphasize self-care by modeling rest and engaging in leisuretime activities of your own.
Rethink your mindset. Many of us grew up thinking we have to “earn” our downtime, that we only deserve to relax and have fun after we’ve been productive. But as Hull emphasizes, it’s critical to unlearn the idea that being busy all the time is what makes us valuable. Instead, we need to start believing—and teaching our kids—that we’re worthy just by being ourselves, not because of what we do. Such an attitude adjustment might take some time and effort, but it’s well worth it.
—Nayda Rondon is a lifestyle and parenting writer based in New Jersey.
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