As a new school year begins, kids often find plenty to stress about: the ever-present need to fit in, body image issues, and unpredictable hormones all add to the mix. There’s also pressure to achieve—whether it’s in academics or sports—which can take a toll on kids’ mental health.
With all of these factors playing a part, it’s no wonder many kids feel overwhelmed. “Kids now are carrying a lot more pressure than we did as children,” says Stephanie Marcello, PhD, chief psychologist at Rutgers Health University Behavioral Health Care, which has multiple locations throughout New Jersey. “The data points to social media and technology in general as contributing. We all have access to what’s going on globally in world events. There’s also cyberbullying, and kids compare themselves to what they see on social media but don’t have the ability to tell what’s real or not.”
It’s important to understand that not all of the worry or anxiety that kids experience is negative. “A little bit of stress in all of our lives is good. Stress helps us accomplish our goals,” says Richard Selznick, PhD, director of Cooper Learning Center at Cooper University Health Care in Voorhees Twp., and author of The Shut-Down Learner. “You also can help kids by tuning into your own feelings, learning how to dial it down, and showing kids how you handle your own stress.”
Here’s how to help your kid set up healthy habits for managing stress:
MAKE SLEEP A PRIORITY
No one functions well on lack of sleep. Keep set bedtimes, and limit access to technology before bed. “Having limits and boundaries in the house so that they’re not texting when you think they’re asleep is important,” says Marcello. About an hour before bed, put phones in a central charging station (yours, too!).
AVOID PLATITUDES
We often think we can build our kids’ confidence with praise. But while it’s tempting to tell your kid “you’re smart” if he or she is dealing with academic challenges, that’s not necessarily helpful, says Selznick. Instead, a child who’s struggling with math, for example, may benefit from taking the focus off deficits and emphasizing that he or she has other strengths, such as reading or science. You also can also seek tangible ways to help, such as getting a tutor.
SHOW KIDS HOW YOU HANDLE FAILURE
Kids learn far more from watching us than from hearing us preach to them about what to do. “That doesn’t mean we need to be perfect,” says Marcello. “We’re all allowed to be human.” But one technique for modeling positive behavior is speaking out loud. For example, say something like, “I didn’t exercise last week, so I’m going to make sure I go for a walk today.” This can show your child that although you didn’t accomplish what you wanted last week, you can get back on track this week.
DON’T ASSUME YOUR KID IS UNMOTIVATED
If your child seems to be struggling academically with fundamental skills—no matter at what age—delve into the situation to find the help they need. Don’t assume your kid is just lazy. “If a child’s foundation is weak, they’re going to find it more and more difficult as they head into high school,” says Selznick. “Maybe they have a learning disability that has never been identified, which creates stress throughout their academic careers.”
HAVE HONEST CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR KIDS
Nothing should be off-limits to discuss. “That means having an honest and developmentally-appropriate discussion with kids. If a grandparent is sick, for example, you don’t lie to them about it,” says Marcello. “It’s also okay to tell your kid that if they don’t want to talk to you, there are other trusted adults they can go to.”
HELP KIDS FIGURE OUT WHAT’S REAL (OR NOT) ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Kids need to understand that a person may appear to have an idyllic life on social media but the reality may be different. Be sure to talk to them about social media and phones and set rules around their use. “Phones aren’t going away so we need to teach kids how to use them constructively,” says Marcello.
LET KIDS FIND THEIR OWN FIXES
Parents often want to solve everything for their kids, but that doesn’t teach them to figure things out on their own. Resist the urge to dash off a note to the teacher or call the school if your child has an issue. “If we do everything for them, we send a message that ‘you can’t do this by yourself,’” says Marcello. “Kids must be given opportunities to fail.”
HELP YOUR KID CREATE SELF-CARE RITUALS
Eating meals together (even if it’s takeout because you didn’t have time to cook), shooting some hoops after dinner, or having regular family movie nights are important ways of nurturing your family connection. It’s also useful to provide kids with tools for stress management, whether it’s breathing exercises or mindfulness apps such as Calm, says Marcello.
WATCH FOR CHANGES IN BEHAVIOR
Being short-tempered, failing to turn in their homework or suddenly not wanting to socialize often are signs your child isn’t handling stress well. Sometimes stress shows itself in physical symptoms, especially in younger kids. Pay attention if your child starts complaining about stomach aches or headaches. “It’s a lot more common that they’ll complain about not feeling well instead of saying they feel overwhelmed,” says Marcello.
KNOW WHEN TO GET HELP FOR YOUR CHILD
You know your kid better than anyone, so trust your gut if you think your child isn’t advancing academically as they should be, says Selznick. Ditto for stress levels: some kids are anxious by nature and can benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy. Talk to your child’s pediatrician for resources for counseling, or check with your company’s HR department, which may offer an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that may include a number of counseling hours for free.
— Arricca Elin SanSone is a health and lifestyle writer.
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