Parents opt for private school for myriad reasons with the same goal in mind: an independent education perfectly-suited to their child. From academics and extracurriculars to practical matters such as location and affordability, finding that “just right” school can be elusive. Even if you’re certain an institution checks off all the right boxes, it’s still not easy to determine if it will be right for your child. So how can parents maximize their chances of a well-made match?
STARTING YOUR SEARCH
The first step to finding a fitting private school is to create a list based on both the pragmatic and aspirational. Perhaps you have a school in mind, are set on something like co-ed, or are excluding any school without deep connections to the Ivy League. Instead, keep an open mind—you don’t want to limit the chance to be surprised. At this point, you might be thinking about tuition too, but don’t, not yet. Once you account for things like grade, location, day or boarding, and religious affiliation or not (if that’s critical), you’ll likely find a manageable list ready to be explored. It’s also a good time to ask friends and members of your community for school recommendations—they’ll be a great source for information later in the process.
School websites offer a trove of information, typically highlighting everything from mission and admission requirements to student life and academic philosophy. Every school sounds amazing, of course, but now’s the time to get a sense of whether a school is genuinely STEM-focused, stresses traditional or progressive learning, if diversity and inclusion are a priority, plus important stats like class size and student-teacher ratio. You’ll get a feel for the facilities, sports and extracurriculars offered, and perhaps what the school values. You may hit upon something small that completely resonates. For example, Sharon LeVasseur’s interest in The Pingry School was initially piqued by the school’s website, which highlighted things she knew her now 8-year-old son liked, including chess and puzzles. “We knew it would be a good fit,” said the South Orange mother (her 6-year-old also followed his brother to Pingry’s lower school in Short Hills). Websites can help parents rule out schools that don’t feel right, but also serve as a jumping off point for the next step in your search: visiting in person.
MAKE YOUR VISIT COUNT
Touring facilities, meeting students, educators and staff, hearing about different academic approaches, identifying the values and qualities that make each school unique — these are things only an open house can provide, which is why everyone from administrators to parents will tell you it’s an absolute must. And if you’ve done your research, you’ll be prepared to make the most of the Q&A that typically follows each presentation.
It’s a time commitment for sure, but it’s worth it, and falling for a school at the open house (even one you didn’t expect) isn’t uncommon. “Basically when [Head of School] Jennifer Landis at Oak Knoll School of the Holy Child opened her mouth to speak at the open house, that was it, I knew I was in the right place for our daughter,” says Andrea Wiideman-Basso, whose upper school student has attended the Summit school since third grade. In fact, her 10th grader loves it so much that she commutes daily from Manhattan, where the family relocated from Maplewood in 2022. “Besides the great curriculum, exchange programs, service programs, etc., I got a sense they cared about the whole development and success of the individual,” she added, noting that she wasn’t necessarily looking for a Catholic school – which is why even if you think you’ve found the “one,” don’t settle until you’ve seen all the schools on your list.
Even at that, an open house is just an introduction. “It’s important to visit a school and take a tour during the school day,” says Saydi Callahan Keefe, director of admissions at Lacordaire Academy in Upper Montclair, so that parents get a feel for learning spaces, while observing teaching styles, student engagement and class sizes. For McKenna Schray, a small class size was key to choosing Our Lady of the Lake in Verona for kindergarten. “The thought of him being in a classroom with 20+ students and not getting the one-on-one instruction/attention he needs to thrive was what drove us to seek private school options,” said the Roseland mom, noting that her son had early speech and reading issues, and that the school accommodates many students with disabilities.
All parents should be open with admissions staff about their child’s needs and share with them what they’re looking for in an educational experience, says Callahan Keefe. “Finding the right school is about the right fit for both the family and the school. Each side of the partnership comes to the table with expectations, educational values and a vision for success. It’s important that everyone is on the same page so as to ensure a positive experience and a love of learning for both the prospective student as well as the students who are already members of the school community,” she says.
CONNECT WITH THE SCHOOL COMMUNITY
Once you’ve learned what you can from the administration, it’s time to engage the community. Take advantage of any occasions to spend time interacting with students and their parents. Go to school events. Do kids seem cliquey or down-to-earth? What about the parents? Is there a happy rapport between students and staff? Staff members are generally excited to introduce potential students to the school community. “We want them to speak with our students, parents, faculty, attend a game or a play. We want them to get a real feel for what it’s like to be part of the community and talk to those who are living the experience,” says Alexis Sommers, director of admission and financial aid at Newark Academy in Livingston, “and we hope that they find a genuine sense of belonging within our school and community.” Naturally, school-directed connections will highlight the sunny side of things. That’s fine, but consider taking advantage of social media and your social network to connect to parents willing to really dish the dirt.
It’s easy to be swayed by gorgeous grounds, state-of-the-art labs and impressive alumni. But make sure to give weight to a potential school’s stated philosophy, ideology and purpose as well as its visible diversity—that can tell you if your child will thrive or not.
“I’d suggest that students and families search for a match between their values and a school’s values. In particular, I would encourage families to carefully consider a school’s mission statement and if or how the school lives their mission,” says Sommers.
Of course, you’ll likely hear many of the same words at different schools: diversity, curiosity, passion, character, collaboration, rigor. Ask for specific examples regarding how these qualities manifest in the day-to-day lives of students. Take curiosity…does this mean that independent study is offered and encouraged? Or character… is there a moral code students must uphold? And diversity…does this mean you’ll see a few non- White faces or is equity a value fostered through actions? Ask the hard questions.
And then there’s the practical. The perfect school with a grueling commute that your family can’t afford isn’t perfect. Still, it’s worth talking to the administration about your concerns. For some kids, a long bus ride (if offered) allows kids to socialize with friends, get homework done, or decompress after a long day. And independent schools are increasingly offering financial aid to families to foster economic diversity. Remember, schools also care about fit and will work to enroll students they, too, believe will be a match.
The truth is that fit can’t be truly determined until after your child is enrolled and settled in. A school that checks all the boxes may turn out to be a mismatch. A fabulous new friend group may turn a not-quite-right school into a dream. Don’t drive yourself crazy with worry over making the wrong choice. Said Basso: “Once I let that go, my attitude was a year at a time. In the end, I trusted my intuition and so far, so…not just good, but great.”
Jennifer Kantor is a lifestyle and parenting writer and mother of two from Maplewood.
