Highly addictive time-sucks.
That’s what the social media apps populating our smartphones were designed to be from the outset, Napster co-creator and former Facebook president Sean Parker said in a 2017 interview with Axios news outlet. The clicks, the likes, the constant scrolling. “It literally changes your relationship with society, with each other,” Parker told the interviewer. “It probably interferes with productivity in weird ways. God only knows what it’s doing to our children’s brains.”
Guess what? We know.
“Ever hear of TikTok brain?” says Noreen Iqbal, LCSW, the owner and director of the Olive Branch Therapy Group, with locations in East Brunswick and Somerville. Our attention spans have decreased due to the effects these apps have on our brains and behaviors.
“We have overprotected our children in the real world and under-protected them online,” Jonathan Haidt, a social psychologist at the NYU Stern School of Business, told CBS News while promoting his latest book, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness. His research findings are alarming.
In the past decade, as smartphone use has become more widespread, anxiety, depression, suicide, eating disorders, and other mental health-related issues have all increased exponentially among kids and teenagers, according to some of the statistics cited in Haidt’s book.
Aside from the health-related impact that smartphones have had on our children, there’s the effects these pocket-sized windows to the online world have had on education. Teachers complain that the distracting presence of smartphones in the classroom makes it harder to teach and more difficult for students to learn.
On June 18, the Los Angeles Unified School District became the largest school district in the country to ban cell phones from its classrooms. Some New Jersey schools, like those in the Red Bank Regional High School District, have enacted similar bans. Officials at Stuart Country Day School of the Sacred Heart, an all-girls pre-K to grade 12 private school in Princeton, are about to begin their second year as a phone-free environment.
So now that the genie is out of the bottle and we know what smartphones are potentially doing to our kids’ brains and social development, the question is, “What should parents do about it?”
BEGIN WITH REAL CONNECTIONS
Iqbal says it’s up to parents, not a classroom full of fifth graders, to decide when and if your child is ready for a smartphone. “Know the kid you’re raising, not the kid you want to raise,” she says. Often that means being connected to your child and having open, honest and ongoing conversations about cell phone use and what will be expected of your children. She suggests talking to them about the permanence of a digital footprint, bullying and being bullied, forwarding photos received from someone else, and general cell phone etiquette. She suggests telling them, “If you wouldn’t say that to someone in person, or you wouldn’t be comfortable having your parents see it, then don’t post it and don’t send it.”
CONTRACTS AREN’T JUST FOR CELL PHONE CARRIERS
Once parents have talked with their kids about expectations and limits regarding cell phone use, Iqbal suggests putting it in writing. Before signing a contract with a cell phone carrier, sign one with your child. “There are many examples online,” Iqbal says. A quick Google search will produce a variety of samples and templates that address such topics as when and where cell phones can be used, with whom children are allowed to communicate, when it’s time to put away or turn off cell phones, and where phones can be charged.
DON’T BLAME IT ALL ON SMARTPHONES
“If we want to get kids out of the virtual world, we have to give them back the real one,” says Lenore Skenazy, president of Let Grow and founder of the Free-Range Kids Movement. “The real world is pretty engaging … three more senses are involved.” Preceding the introduction of the smartphone was a fear-driven, hands-on style of parenting that made it more difficult for children to do things without constant adult supervision, like playing at the park or running errands, she says.
Iqbal agrees that overparenting coupled with smartphone use has contributed to social anxiety in children and teens because they lack the necessary skills to build in-person relationships.
Skenazy says kids become less anxious when they learn to problem-solve and make decisions in the real world without the help of a parent or adult. Let Grow, the nonprofit fostering childhood independence, offers two free programs for schools. The Let Grow Experience promotes “homework” in the form of having students do something on their own, with their parent or guardian’s permission, but without any help. It can be something as simple as baking and delivering cookies to a neighbor down the street, taking a city bus alone, or walking to a dance lesson or karate class by themselves. The Let Grow Play & Social Club, meanwhile, encourages schools to stay open before or after school to provide a place for kids to gather and play without cell phones and without adults organizing their interactions. The Let Grow website offers free information for parents to incorporate these same ideas at home without school involvement.
DUMB PHONES MAY BE THE SMARTER CHOICE
Flip phones and cell phones like Light Phone, which have limited features and no internet access, might be a better choice for younger children. “It teaches them to step up,” Iqbal says. Children can still communicate with parents and friends but won’t have access to downloadable content and apps that they may not be old enough to view. If parents do decide to purchase smartphones for their kids, Iqbal says they might consider software like BARK that can limit screen time, block inappropriate content, report searches in real-time, and monitor text messages. Parents should be continually educating themselves about all the available tools out there, she says.
SEEK OUT LIKE-MINDED PARENTS AND EDUCATIONAL PARTNERS
But what about complaints that your child will feel isolated or different if they don’t have the most up-to-date smartphone by the time they’re 12? Iqbal says parents can join initiatives like Wait Until 8th (waituntil8th.org), an organization aimed at delaying smartphone use until after the end of the 8th grade. They can also find like-minded parents either in their towns or online with similar ideas about cell phone usage for their children. “If you don’t think your kid can handle it. Just wait,” she says.
Another option might be to seek out schools with a phonefree culture, like Stuart Country Day School of the Sacred Heart. Marissa Muoio, Ed.D., Head of the Upper School, and Julia Wall, Head of School, say that as educators, they had been tracking and responding to the ongoing global mental health crisis, which has had a particular impact on teen girls. In the summer of 2023, they made the decision to have their Upper School (grades 9-12) join their Middle School (grades 5-8) as a phone-free environment and have students in those grades keep their cell phones in their lockers during the school day. The impact has been both profound and positive.
When walking through the school’s lounge spaces and lunchroom, Muoio and Wall notice both are louder and more joyful. “Kids are actually conversing, not just swapping TikTok videos. They asked for board games and cards as tools for connection, and more students are now choosing to go outside during their free time,” Muoio says. “We deliberately did not use the word ‘ban’ when referring to our decision,” Wall adds. “Instead, we spent ample time with the word ‘freedom’ as a way to explain our goals to students and parents. Being a phone-free school means our students have the time and space for collaboration, creativity and sustained thinking.”
MODEL GOOD BEHAVIOR
Adults can be just as addicted to social media and their phones as their children. “If you’re constantly posting and always on your phone and not living outside of the phone world, then children see that,” Iqbal says. If parents normalize living a life without social media, then their children will do the same.
Lack of sleep is another cause of anxiety in children and teens—and you—and because of that Iqbal suggests using charging stations placed outside of everyone’s bedrooms.
CONSIDER THERAPY
As cell phone and social media use increase, so too have things like anxiety and depression. Don’t wait until you need a therapist for your child to find a therapist for your child. Having another trusted adult to talk to can help children and teens navigate the highs and lows of childhood and adolescence and give them someone familiar to turn to when they are in crisis or need to work through a problem. When you introduce your children to therapy at a young age, it makes them more comfortable reaching out to a support system outside of their home, Iqbal says.
—Jennifer Salvato Doktorski received a 2024 Fellowship from the New Jersey State Council on the Arts. A proud mom and Jersey Girl, she’s the author of five young adult novels and lives with her family in Central NJ. Learn more at jendoktorski.com.
