Editor's Note: Regardless of how you feel about the outcome of the presidential election, few would disagree that it was the most vitriolic campaign our country has ever witnessed. A week after the election, polarizing rhetoric continues to make headlines. It's natural to want to shield your kids from it all, but chances are they're hearing about it when they're with friends. We asked Denise Daniels, a parenting and child development expert and author who specializes in the social and emotional development of children, to share her advice on how to talk to kids about the aftermath of the election. Here's what she had to say:
Values—the roadmap for life. One of the things that’s been so upsetting about witnessing the fighting, the name-calling, the accusations, and the schoolyard behavior in this election is the way that these behaviors clash with so many of the fundamental values we try to teach our children—honesty, respect, tolerance, and above all, the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you would want to be treated. I think one of the most important things we can do is to provide our kids with a set of guiding principles that serve as a roadmap for how to behave as a decent person and a good citizen for the rest of their lives. First, we parents need to model those values in the way we behave each day—and admit our mistakes when we don’t get it right.
With very young kids, do this far from the television set. Instead, use favorite picture books or stories to talk about concepts like sharing, compassion, honesty, and standing up for what you believe in without belittling others.
Elementary and middle school–age children are certainly being exposed to election coverage, so respond to their questions and comments with questions of your own: “What do you think about this? How does this make you feel? How does this compare with the things we believe in this family?” Compare the situations they’re witnessing in the news to situations they may find themselves in at school or elsewhere, and discuss how they could handle them in a manner that’s more in line with the values you share.
High school kids are actively learning about and discussing the political process, so it’s imperative that they develop the critical reasoning to assess candidates’ words and actions and compare them to their own values. Ask your high schooler what he or she believes are the important issues for our country, and how they think each candidate proposes to address them. Discuss the role of personal behavior, and what values they think a candidate should embody.
Actions: where the rubber meets the road. We’re guided by our values, but we’re judged by our actions. And actions, especially in children, are almost always inspired by feelings. That’s why one of our key jobs is to help our kids understand their emotions and learn to manage them appropriately. As my hero, Mr. Rogers, said, “Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable.” Research has shown that children—and adults—who can’t manage their emotions have more difficulties academically, professionally, socially, and psychologically. It’s never too early, or too late, to begin the process of helping children develop “emotional intelligence”—so that they learn to act with civility and respect, despite any bad examples they may see during election season.
Start by showing kids pictures of people in books or magazines and asking, “What do you think this person is feeling? Why do you think so? What might have made him feel this way?” Then use a mirror to have your child make a happy, angry, or sad face and see what those emotions look like in themselves. Help older children feel comfortable talking about their emotions by listening without judgment, and emphasizing that all feelings are okay. Then teach your children strategies for managing their emotions, whether it’s taking deep breaths and counting to ten to diffuse anger, or using positive self-talk to overcome fear or sadness. (You’ll find more strategies here.)
When children understand their own feelings and those of others, they can act with self-control, compassion, and empathy. When teens have developed emotional intelligence, they are better able to resist peer pressure and stay true to themselves. When young adults act responsibly, they will vote with care and conviction. Our world—and our endless election cycles!— will be better for it.
Denise Daniels is a child development and parenting expert and creator of The Moodsters.