Do you argue in front of the kids, let them skip brushing their teeth or let them have a sip of alcohol? We've all made these parenting mistakes at one point. We asked the experts to put them in context for us—are they mostly no big deal, or are we dooming our kids to a lifetime of therapy?
How Bad Is It To… Argue in front of the kids?
“No two people are ever going to agree perfectly on everything. Some amount of conflict between parents is unavoidable,” say Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD, a Princeton University psychologist and professor and creator of the video series “Raising Emotionally and Socially Healthy Kids.” But, she adds, there’s conflict … and there’s conflict. “A minor disagreement between parents conducted with humor and warmth over a small issue, such as which is the best ice cream flavor, will have zero impact,” she says. “On the other hand, arguments between parents filled with bitterness, resentment, harsh criticism and strong anger or hurt are deeply terrifying to children.”
According to Kennedy-Moore, extensive research shows that kids are badly affected by their parents’ marital conflict if they think the well-being of the family is threatened. “Parents are children’s rock of safety…if that rock seems unsteady, the world feels like a very dangerous and unpredictable place.” And don’t think that just because you’re keeping the fighting to a whisper, it’s not affecting them. “Children are very, very good at sensing their parents’ emotions,” Kennedy-Moore explains. “Quiet, vicious anger can be as scary as a screaming battle.”
Of course, most of us have fights that typically fall somewhere in between the “favorite ice cream flavor” variety and the vicious kind. Normal marriage means we’ll disagree regularly about how to handle the kids, or finances or any number of things. All of which is okay within reason, as long as the disagreement doesn’t veer into explosive, harsh, overly nasty territory.
Even if it gets bad for a bit, don’t panic. “Children are usually very forgiving of their parents,” says Kennedy-Moore. “An apology or explanation after things have cooled down can help, but what helps more is to make a plan to avoid the problem in the future.”
The verdict: Not a huge deal but try not to repeat
How Bad Is It To… Let them skip a night of brushing their teeth?
Bad news, pooped-out parents… it’s actually a pretty bad idea to let your kids skip a session with their toothbrushes. One time obviously isn’t going to condemn them to a mouthful of cavities, says Midland Park dentist Dr. Mario Ramos, a national spokesman for the American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry (AAPD). But you really don’t want to make it a regular thing. “If we let them skip once, skip twice, and it becomes a habit, the child doesn’t realize it’s something we have to do every night,” he says. “It’s important to keep up those habits that lead to good oral health throughout your child’s whole life.” In other words, if you let them miss even one time, you’re sending a message that neglecting to brush is an option. And it’s really not.
The verdict: Not a huge deal but try not to repeat
How Bad Is It To… Let your kids have a sip of your wine or other alcoholic drink?
There’s definitely a school of thought that says letting your kid have a little taste of your merlot now and then will demystify alcohol and prevent them from going crazy with beer bongs and tequila shots in college. Not so, says Dr. Puthenmadam Radhakrishnan, aka “Dr. Rad,” an executive board member with the American Academy of Pediatrics’ NJ chapter and a pediatrician in Trenton. He points to numerous studies showing the danger of allowing children to even taste alcohol. One recent report, published in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, found that kids who had sipped alcohol by the sixth grade were about five times more likely to have a full drink by the time they reached high school…and they were also four times more likely to binge drink or get drunk. Yikes!
The verdict: Eek! Avoid at all costs!
How Bad Is It To… Bring something to school that your kid forgot at home?
The verdict: Don't give it a second thought
How Bad Is It To… Ask your child to lie to or keep a secret from the other parent?
It all depends on the lie in question, says Kazdin. Planning a surprise party for your spouse? Then of course you’ll have to keep a secret with your kids. But when it comes to even slightly more serious issues, like something as seemingly innocuous as “Don’t tell Daddy we had ice cream after school,” he says, the question you should ask yourself is: “Do I really want to model deception and lying?” Modeling is a powerful and influential tool for parents, so when you keep something from your spouse or partner, you’re demonstrating to your kids that that’s how relationships and families work. “If your child later withholds something from you that you wish you’d known, don’t complain,” says Kazdin. Ultimately, ask yourself, is the ice cream worth it? “Why not just go to your partner, in front of your kids, and say, ‘I know we talked about cutting back on treats, but we had some ice cream after school today, and I wanted you to know.’” That’s modeling openness and honesty—so much better than demonstrating deceit.
The verdict: Eek! Avoid at all costs!
How Bad Is It To… Swear in front of the kids?
Swearing once in a rare moment is really not a big deal, Kazdin says, but the issue is frequency. If this is how you treat people in your house, then this is how your kids are learning to treat people out in the world, he points out. “Research shows that children discipline their peers the way they have been disciplined,” he explains. Plus, if you get so mad you’re at the point of swearing, you might be mad enough to say other, more damaging things. “Many people will say, ‘This is how the real world is, and kids should see it!’” says Kazdin, but that’s misguided. “You want to develop a child so he or she functions really well,” he advises—not bring, or recreate, the “real” horrors of the world into your home.
The verdict: Not a huge deal but try not to repeat
How Bad Is It To… Not follow through on a punishment?
“If you do X one more time, I’m going to Y!” Sound familiar? But then, somehow X happens, and Y … doesn’t, right? If you can relate, here’s some (sort of) good news: “A punishment consequence doesn’t have much of an impact anyway,” says Kazdin. In other words, if you threaten to take your son’s bike away for the rest of the month, and then you don’t, it doesn’t really matter. Why? Because even if you take it away for the rest of his life, that’s not going to change the behavior you’re trying to address, Kazdin says. Modeling good behavior yourself is the best way to do that. Make sure he listens to you next time by showing excellent listening skills yourself. The biggest danger of making empty threats is teaching your kid it’s okay to say one thing and do another.
The verdict: Not a huge deal but try not to repeat
How Bad Is It To… Let her take a mental health day from school when she’s not sick?
Is it better to teach her to suck it up no matter how burned out she is, or let her take a personal day every now and then? For most kids, the occasional mental health day is unlikely to cause a problem, says Kennedy-Moore. But, she warns, if your child is experiencing school anxiety, then avoiding it will just cause the anxiety to grow and make it even harder to go to class the next day. And children who are struggling academically or have already missed a lot of school for other reasons could have a harder time if they rack up even more absences. If you feel your son or daughter really needs a day at home, call the school, and be honest. “There’s no need to lie,” says Kennedy-Moore. “Tell the school your child is run-down and needs a day to recuperate.”
The verdict: Don't give it a second thought
How Bad Is It To… Let your kid sit on an uncovered public toilet seat?
Your little one is too small to have perfected the hover method, and there are no seat covers to be found … what to do?! Just relax, says Dr. Rad. Studies show public toilet seats are often cleaner than the bathroom sinks, he says, adding that it’s very rare to catch something from sitting on a toilet seat. If your kid does happen to get someone else’s “stuff” on herself, take solace in the fact that skin is an excellent protective barrier from germs—the only time to be concerned is if it gets into an open cut or sore. What you should be more worried about is what she’s touched with her hands on her trip to the bathroom, from the door handles to the faucet. “That’s where you’re more likely to catch something, especially viruses,” says Dr. Rad. Make sure she washes her hands every time.
The verdict: Don't give it a second thought
How Bad Is It To… Break a promise to your kids?
“Promises matter, but sometimes life intervenes,” says Kennedy-Moore. That said, you shouldn’t make promises lightly. “Kids often interpret vague comments as definite promises, so if you’re not sure it’ll happen, it’s best not to mention something your child will be upset about missing,” she says. “If you have to break a promise, be sincerely apologetic, acknowledge your child’s sadness, disappointment, or anger, and do what you can to make amends.”
Kids who are school-aged or older can generally understand when the excuse is something out of our control, but, Kennedy-Moore warns, their resentment will build if “something unexpected” comes up too often. Consistency and follow-through are key to a child’s sense of safety and well-being.
The verdict: Not a huge deal but try not to repeat
How Bad Is It To… Tell your kids about your own, er, youthful indiscretions?
The dilemma: You want to teach your kids not to drink until they’re 21, and to never try drugs. But you also want to be honest with them. As kids get older, you might wonder whether you should reveal that yes, Mommy used to smoke, or yes, Daddy tried some things he shouldn’t have as a young man. Should you ‘fess up? Kennedy-Moore says that if you do, you’ll just be undermining your “don’t-do-it” message.
“I don’t recommend parents share the details of their questionable past behavior, because teens tend to take that as ‘Okay, that’s my starting point—that’s acceptable,’” says Kennedy-Moore. She points to a study showing a correlation between parents sharing details of their own past drug use and their kids being less likely to be anti-drug than those whose parents said they’d never done drugs.
The verdict: Eek! Avoid at all costs!
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