Remember when you were young and kid-free? You had a lot of time on your hands, right? You had so much time that you never even thought about how much time you had.
And now that time is gone. At least you can’t find any of it. But you can recover some of that precious “you time” with just a little forethought and planning if you give yourself permission to make time for self-care. Besides, your kids don’t need just any ol’ grown up around, they need you—the person only you can be. So test-drive these ten steps and squeeze more time for you into every week.
Pleasure First
Prioritize pleasurable activities, and you’ll be more motivated to do everything else that has to get done. Make a list of all of the things you used to enjoy doing before you had kids. Maybe you loved running, journaling, or watching old movies. Print out a blank calendar page for the next month from your computer and pencil in some of your old favorite activities.
Sketch Out the “Musts”
Okay, now let’s get real. If your toddler doesn’t nap twice a day for 90 minutes each time, your day is going to be shot, right? So the next thing to do is pencil in all the stuff on your calendar that has to happen to keep your world spinning. Whether you enjoy doing these things or not, these are the things you must do, or you’ll be sorry. Pencil in time for every have-to on your to-do list.
Outside Commitments
Next, pencil in the extended family’s ongoing commitments. Your husband’s bimonthly early morning staff meeting? Your teenager’s driving test? Your in-laws are coming into town? Make sure you account for everyone’s plans. Have a weekly check-in date for schedule reviews. And don’t say yes to any new plans without looking at your current ongoing commitments first.
“Chunk” Your Free Time
You are now likely to start getting a sense of what your daily, weekly, and monthly time commitments look like. Take note of two types of rhythms: the hectic times and the quiet times. If you are like most parents, you have more of the former than the latter. Don’t worry. Just mark off whatever quiet time you can find. Make a little box around each chunk of quiet time that’s available. I bet it’s more than you realized.
Reset Your Rest
Are you a morning person or a night person? If you are a morning person, see if you can set your alarm an hour earlier each day to make the most of those dark, quiet morning hours when everything is hushed and still. I bet you could get a lot done if you simply rose earlier. Similarly, if you are a night person, plan to stay up an extra hour so you can milk some of your midnight oil. Draw boxes around any chunks of extra time you’ve created by rising early or turning in late.
Be Equitable
Both parents need down time. So now that you see the possibilities, don’t get greedy. Show your calendar to your spouse and discuss who still needs more down time. Be prepared to say what you want, what you need, and what you are pretty sure you can’t live without. And let your partner do the same. Put names in the boxes to represent who gets which chunks of unavailable time. Don’t forget to encourage your spouse to get up earlier or go to bed later, if that is helpful.
Set Your Alarms
Now that you have a plan, execute it. Start with your bedroom alarm clocks. Reset yours. Do you also need to reset your children’s alarms? Maybe you’d like them to go to bed earlier, so you can have more time undisturbed at night. Next, set your cell phone to remind you 15 minutes before each chunk of available free time. Once you are more aware of your available time, you will be less likely to let it slip by unnoticed.
Defend Your Rights
When inevitable interruptions come along such as flu season, pet problems, and last-minute show-and-tell projects, you can cheerfully give up your me-time. However, on days when no crisis is looming on the horizon, you need to guard your time like a dog growling low and quiet over a bone. Don’t bite. Don’t even bark. Just calmly remind your family members to respect whatever you are doing. Parents get to have time to do their own things. With a little practice everyone will get the hang of this concept no matter how radical.
Watch Out
…for nervous habits. If you’ve scheduled you time right in the middle of the old laundry or dishes time, you might initially have to fight off the nervous anxiety that comes with walking away from these duties. However, you will soon notice opportunities to multitask through unreserved time. And I bet you will become better at rallying the troops to help pick up the slack. After all, why shouldn’t you share the wealth of household chores?
Find Your Rhythm
Once you start taking time for yourself, something magical will happen. Your little respites will become incorporated into your family’s natural ebb and flow. Without schedules or alarms, your pleasures will become a natural part of the family rhythm. And no one will question whether or not you really need that time to yourself because they will notice the difference when you don’t get any. Reclaim your time and you will reclaim your smile, as well as setting a good example for your kids.
Freelance writer Christina Katz has been encouraging parents to make downtime a priority for more than a decade.
