Co-Parenting After Divorce: Expert Advice to Keep the Peace

You can both ensure success and harmony at home

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From conflicting schedules to different parenting styles, co-parenting comes with a unique set of challenges–and unfortunately, there’s no instruction manual. To be effective, experts agree that putting your child’s best interests first is essential. That means setting aside negative emotions toward your ex and learning to compromise and communicate.

That’s something divorced New Jersey mom Julia takes seriously. If her son complains about going to his dad’s or tells her an outrageous story about something he did, she reinforces to her son that his father is a good dad who loves him.

“It’s made my son accept our divorce and our 50/50 parenting schedule so much more than if I had overreacted to each complaint or let him think that he’d be able to change the schedule if he complained enough,” she says.

Creating harmonious co-parenting takes work, but your kids will thank you. Read on for expert tips on overcoming situation-specific coparenting obstacles.

CO-PARENTING CONSIDERATIONS BY AGE

Children’s needs change as they grow, and that’s an important consideration of successful co-parenting. Here’s how to navigate co-parenting during different ages and stages, according to Kara Kushnir, a family therapist, clinical social worker and owner of A Work of Heart in Allendale:

Infants and Toddlers (0-3): When it comes to routines, parents should provide as much consistency as possible, says Kushnir. It’s essential to communicate about any changes in your child’s developmental milestones, feeding, sleep and medical needs, she says.

Preschoolers (4-6): Kids this age may experience separation anxiety, so give them extra reassurance during transitions. Make sure they know it’s okay to enjoy being at the other parent’s home, says Kushnir. “A transitional object that goes with them everywhere (like a stuffed animal, photos or a blanket) can provide that extra comfort little ones need,” she suggests.

School-aged kids (7-12): As they develop more independence, children may become more stressed about traveling between homes, says Kushnir. She recommends openly communicating what works for your child regarding school, homework and bedtime routines to provide consistency at both houses.

Teenagers (13-16): Flexibility is key–your adolescent child will strongly desire autonomy, says Kushnir. She advises setting standards that each parent follows when a teen asks for more time with friends or breaks their curfew. She says that giving your teen the chance to spread their wings will pay off in the long run.

CONSIDERATIONS FOR NEURODIVERGENT KIDS

There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to co-parenting children with autism or ADHD. Still, consistency and communication are critical, says Stephanie Lehman, an attorney and principal of the family law practice group at Offit Kurman in Hackensack and Manhattan.

She offers tips to keep in mind:

School involvement: Parents should stay informed by attending school meetings concerning their child, Lehman advises. She says that fewer misunderstandings will arise when both parents hear about their child’s progress directly from teachers and school therapists.

Visitation: For children with ADHD and autism, routine, consistency, and minimal transitions work best, says Lehman, adding that parenting schedules should reflect the child’s needs, not the parents’ wishes. When creating a schedule, factor in having a parent available to supervise homework, administer medication, participate in therapy and any other supports they may need, she advises.

Scheduling: It’s essential to follow the same schedule–and rules–at both houses, says Lehman. “Children with ADHD and autism frequently have difficulty with executive functioning and organization,” she explains. She says that by making the same resources and schedules available in each parent’s home, the child will be more calm and focused.

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TIPS FOR BLENDED FAMILIES

Integrating a new family into your child’s life presents its own set of challenges. “Don’t force children to do everything together when you are trying to blend families,” advises Lynne Strober, an attorney and cochair of the matrimonial and family law practice group at Mandelbaum Barrett PC in Roseland.

Start slow: Introduce your children to a new partner and kids gradually (and only after you’ve been together for a significant amount of time), Strober recommends. “Start with brief visits with just the new adult first. Tell the children what is going on with enough information that they know how their family unit and household are changing,” she says.

Make it easy: When your children meet your partner’s kids, keep it simple at first–engage in fun activities that all the children enjoy, like going to the beach or making pizza together, she advises. That way, when things get tough, you have a fun activity to fall back on, Strober says.

Prioritize one-on-one time: Your child needs independent time with you away from everyone else. “Make sure that your children always know they can talk to you, and you will help them if there are problems,” says Strober. If any issues arise, it’s helpful to have a therapist, counselor, or parenting coach available to help iron out problems, she says.

No matter your co-parenting situation, staying flexible and putting your child’s needs front and center will help get you through any mishaps. That’s what Megan, a divorced NJ mom, did when she and her ex-husband inadvertently planned separate parties for their daughter’s 9th birthday. Initially, the situation caused stress and tension–until they decided to merge the two parties.

“Friends warned me it might be uncomfortable or awkward. But our daughter’s happiness is paramount,” she said. Now, both parents meet regularly to discuss their daughter’s upcoming events, achievements and concerns they may have.

Whether you’re co-parenting for the first time or you’ve been doing it for years, it’s always vital to adapt to your child’s needs. Be open to trying new approaches and if you need guidance, reach out to a professional for help.

—Heidi L. Borst is a mother, writer and lifestyle coach based in Wilmington, NC.

 

 

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